What?!! Boy Don’t Say That!

A couple of days ago I told my mom that I wasn’t afraid to die. Being that she’s my mom, she obviously didn’t like that statement very much. That confession was part of a bigger conversation between her, myself and my siblings about the state of fear that African-Americans, specifically African-American males, and their loved ones have to deal with everyday. Well, I call it a “converstaion” but really it was just her telling my brother and I to shut up and comply and don’t put up a fight if we’re ever accosted by the law. It went something like this:

Mom: I love y’all so much. I’m so disturbed by all this mess. It hurts to know I may never see my kids, especially my SONS again. It’s SCARY. Sidenote, can’t wait to BBQ tomorrow.

Mom: And yes… I had a margarita. But, don’t think it’s not real. Y’all are MY boys. I’d be a Xanax, psych hospital mess if something happen to Y’all.

Mom: This s*** is crazy. They killing Black males. Don’t fight, don’t argue, don’t say nothing. Cause these fools are trying to kill Y’all off.

Me: I’m not gonna not say anything, mom. I’m not gonna necessarily fight but, I can’t just take being treated like crap. I’m not ready to die but, I’m not afraid to die either.

Mom: WHAT?! Boy don’t say that!

But, nah…I just can’t go, mom. I just can’t.

Truthfully, I have never been afraid to die. I might even have a mini-hero complex. I mean, I don’t WANT to die but, I ain’t afraid to either. The thing is, this version of it feels different, tho. Why? Because, it doesn’t matter if I comply or not. Because, it doesn’t matter if I shut up or not. I still have a good chance of being gunned down in cold blood by someone whose primary job is SUPPOSED to be to preserve life. Legally, what matters the most in cop-related shooting deaths is whether the cop “reasonably thought” that their life or other people’s lives were in some sort of danger NOT whether the shooting victim was actually dangerous and/or a real risk to public safety. smh.

Cops, in general, are given a whole lot of leniency in use of force without the fear of repercussion. The intention sounds good and all, that being that it gives the cop the ability to make split second decisions in an effort to preserve their and other’s lives, but when they’re using that leniency to kill unarmed people who look just like me…what’s the point? What’s the point of giving them the license to kill me? What’s the point of killing me? What’s the point of being afraid to die?

– A.O.